When a Family Member is Ill:
Supporting Faraway College Students

Being away from home can pose challenges for many college students, but these difficulties can become much more serious when a member of the student’s family or a close friend faces a serious illness.

“Students often become torn between a desire to spend time with their loved one and wanting to maintain their connection to their life at Loyola,” says Donelda Cook, director of Loyola’s Counseling Center. “This is a normal reaction, and it is important for students to be able to move back and forth between their world at home and their life at Loyola. Students in this situation may fluctuate between wanting time to themselves and wanting closeness with others."

Parents should not avoid discussing the subject out of fear of upsetting their daughter or son, or distracting him or her from their studies, Cook says.

"College students are generally better able to cope with the illness of a loved one when they have a fuller understanding of the situation,” she says. “Explaining a loved one’s health status and prognosis may be painful, but being honest allows your student to make decisions about how and when they will communicate with family and friends and make visits home.”

Common Reactions to a Loved One’s Illness:

• Grief
• Hurt
• Anger
• Resentment
• Regret
• Fear
• Sleep Disruption
• Lethargy
• Loss of Appetite
• Feelings of Isolation

“If someone in your family is ill, your college-aged child may withdraw from people and activities, or he or she may tend to throw him or herself into frantic activity and surround him or herself with people in order to keep his or her mind off of the illness,” says Cook. “Their emotions can also have physical manifestations such as a feeling of tightness in the throat, shortness of breath, or an empty feeling in the stomach. These feelings are all normal reactions. There is no one right way to do this and the process may include working through spiritual and religious doubts. Students should be allowed and encouraged to feel the range of feelings and thoughts that are happening for them.”

How you can help:

• Be a good listener         
• Ask about their feelings
• Just sit with them
• Share your feelings
• Make telephone calls
• Acknowledge the pain
• Let them feel sad or angry
• Encourage them to enjoy life
• Be available when you can
• Do not minimize their grief
• Let them know that it is good to laugh and to cry
• Model expressing the range of your own feelings

Parents are encouraged to be aware of the variety of emotional responses their son or daughter may be having. Loyola’s Counseling Center offers both individual support and a “Facing Loss” group (call 410-617-5109 or visit the Counseling Center Web site for more information).